I own it!

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good…”

Genesis 50:20 NLT

A few people have questioned my purpose for writing this blog. 

Although most people have been very encouraging and admire my bravery some feel I may be hiding some sort of ulterior motive. 

My purpose first and foremost has been to be honest, to be raw and to be humble. However there is something under lying to all of this... 

By laying myself bare before you my family, friends and the world I have taken back my power. I have owned my behaviour and most importantly I am saying no matter what comes against me I will never give up on the promises that God has given to me. 

Jeremiah 29:11 (New Living Translation)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Of all the blog posts I have written this is by far the hardest one to write.

You see growing up I was never treated with any kind of respect. 

I was used, abused and more often than not I was told all of it was my fault.

I never witnessed anyone being respectful to others or even themselves. 

I grew up in a world if you wanted it you TOOK IT, if you had a problem you voiced LOUDLY, if you need someone to do something you didn't ask you MADE them do it and most importantly the only person in the world that had any value was YOU.

Is it any wonder I have struggled with how to show, be and act respectful?

As an adult I know all of what I had seen, heard and been taught was wrong. However without making excuses this way of life is so ingrained in me I simply just struggle with being respectful. 

I struggle daily with the basics if I want something more often than not I take it. 

If I have a problem with someone or something I'll hound them till it's fixed. 

If I can manipulate someone or a situation I will.

An most of the time I live by the rule that it's every man for him self and I sure as anything won't be the one who loses. 

Do you see why this post is so difficult to write?

Lack of respect is a huge character flaw for me and just like the previous post I don't even know where to begin to apologize for it. I'm 27 years old I should know better, I should have grown past this with all the counseling, all the prayer, all the wonderful examples now present in my life. However it's just a huge road block for me, even when I set out with the best intentions somewhere along the way I stumble, I fall and right now I'm scared I'll never get back up again. 

My lack of respect has destroyed my marriage...I can't even type this without huge tears streaming down my face. 

I love my husband more than anything and anyone in this world and now I've lost him because of a simple little thing that everyone else can do so easily yet I struggle with daily. 

Jesse I know it's most likely too little too late but if you could find it in your heart to forgive me then please do I am so very sorry. 

An everyone else that I love and care about I know all of you at some point have had me disrespect you and for that I truly am so very sorry.

 

Lamb Chops

Early on in our marriage I learnt that if I threw a big enough tantrum I could get Jesse to do just about anything. This is not something I am proud of and today I'm blogging about this because the purpose of this blog for me. 

Is to be raw, to be humble and most importantly to be honest. 

Around 9pm one night I got a craving for lamb chops we were living in Canberra at the time where woolworths and coles shut a midnight. So I asked Jesse since i didn't drive could he go down to woolies and get some chops for me. 

He thought I was being silly and that I didn't need to eat chops at that time of night. 

Now here comes the honest part, I wore my husband down over the next couple of hours until eventually he gave in and went out to buy chops right before midnight. 

I now see this night set a tone for the next 7 years, where I would do just about anything to get my way and even tho Jesse often put up a good fight he would cave in the end just to shut me up. 

This is one of my biggest failures as a wife and one of my biggest regrets.

I don't know how to say sorry for years of acting like a child refusing to grow up, take responsibility and own my own behaviour. 

Simply saying sorry just doesn't seem like enough but then where do I start?

I am so sorry for all the times I have argued with you, worn you down and not been the Godly woman I was called to be and most importantly I'm sorry for not submitting myself under you. 

The Wedding

This is my favourite picture of us on our wedding day. This post isn't really a sorry post more of a thank-you. 

The day I married Jesse really was the happiest day of my life besides the days my children were born. 

So really this is a small post to say thank-you Jesse being your wife is a privilege and an honour. 

The Proposal

Like most girls I dreamed of the day that a man would ask me to marry him. I dreamed of having a family all of my own. The day when someone would love me and think so highly of me that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. 

The day that Jesse proposed was a fairly typical sunday, we went to church in the morning and then he surprised me with a picnic in commonwealth park. 

I lived in Canberra for a total of 15 years and there are somethings I will always miss about that beautiful city. The frosts and fog on a cold winters morning, the hot air balloons  that litter the lawns of old parliament house and commonwealth park at anytime of the year. 

Being December it was a glorious day to be in the park, the sun was out. Flowers bloomed all around us and the ducks were super cute. 

When Jesse got down on one knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him it truly was the happiest day of my life. I remember that I began to cry and the look on his face was of concern. I think I scared the poor boy into thinking that he done the wrong thing. 

However he hadn't done the wrong thing at all he had done the very thing I had spent the last 18 months hoping, praying and wishing he would do. So my tears were tears of  great joy. 

If I didn't say it then or since I'm saying it now. 

The day you asked me to be your wife awakened something in me and for the first time I truly believed that dreams could come true. 

2002

Good old hindsight, if only we knew then what we know now! 

How many times I have muttered this phrase, so many times I have just wanted to invent a time machine go back and change things. 

Unfortunately I don't own a DeLorean and I can't undo what has been done. 

However if I had a chance to speak to the Kara of 2002 I would tell her you need to go back

on your meds and you need to see a doctor again.

You see I had a very destructive up bringing, I was abused on all levels and I lived in more houses than you've had hot dinners. 

Partially due to this combined with brain chemistry I have bipolar disorder. 

Looking back now I see 2002 was not a good year for me, i wasn't medicated and I wasn't under the care of a doctor or counsellor. 

I was up, down, hot and cold that Jesse had a hard time following where I was at in the best of times. 

Eventually I moved to back to Canberra which at the time I claimed was to help my mum but I think it was more because I wasn't dealing with my illness properly and in a manic episode I thought it was a good idea at the time.  

After a short amount of time Jesse packed up all his belongings said goodbye to his family and moved to Canberra to follow me. 

I have never properly said thank-you for this and I have never said sorry for the emotional rollercoaster I was that year. 

My Jesse I thank-you that you were so willing to follow me, even though I know it wasn't what you wanted and I apologize that I was never really appreciative of it. I also apologize for that fact that I was so hot and cold. 

Purity

As a christian I have really struggled with the idea of keeping yourself pure until marriage. I've searched the scriptures, read books and sort advice from many wise men and women. An it wasn't until very recently I finally understood why we as christians hold this view point. 

Genesis 2:24 (New International Version)

 ²⁴ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

I'm sure I don't need to go into the logistics of sex, the very act is what makes you and your mate one flesh. It's the joining of one soul to an other. 

When I realized this for the first time I saw that I have been so careless with my body. Although Christ has forgiven me of all the things I did before I knew Him and the many things I have done when I have temporarily walked away from Him.

There is one thing I need to ask Him and Jess to forgive me of. 

You see when I met Jesse he was a christian and I was not. After 6 weeks of dating and Jesse having one huge argument with his father i took advantage of the situation and invited Jesse into my bedroom.

I was well aware that he wanted to wait till marriage and he wanted to live a certain way. We then over the next year flipped back and forth between waiting and being intimate. 

Then on christmas eve 2001 I said a prayer that changed my life forever. I invited Jesus to become my Lord and saviour, I repented of all my sins and asked him to wash me clean. 

From that day forward Jesse and I were not intimate until our wedding day some 18 months later. 

Although I have asked Jesus to forgive me for that time in my life, I have never asked Jesse to forgive me for my contribution to him compromising his morals. 

Again I hear you say but it's not your fault Kara he had a choice, yes he did have a choice but so did I. I could have been more respectful and for that I say sorry.

So what is this all about?

My name is Kara and for the past 10 years I have been married to Jess Murray.

From the day I first saw him I knew there was something different about him.

Of all the boys in my school playground he stood out and I knew from that day on

that he was the one for me. 

Our friendship grew over the coming weeks and eventually he asked me to go to a movie. 

Crouching tiger hidden dragon not your typical first date movie but then Jess isn't your typical guy. I remember waiting in line to enter the theatre Jess turned to me and said; 

"You do realize this movie has subtitles?" 

"Of course!" 

I said with confidence and a huge smile while on the inside I was thinking 

"Are you for real I freaking hate subtitles." 

That night I learnt many things one was that you can follow a film without having to read all the subtitles. That Jess loved cheesecake and video games, that i was totally smitten with this boy and I just couldn't imagine life without him.

So I hear you say thanks for the history lesson but what is this all about?

Well fast forward to 2011 and I find my self living in my friends granny flat, without my husband and children. They are soon to board a plane to the other side of the country and all I know for sure is that I am truly sorry for everything. 

I know that's quite vague but i intend to use this blog to show Jess and the rest of the world how sorry I am and how I will do anything for him to forgive me.

I know some of you will read this and think Kara you have nothing to be sorry for but that really isn't true at all. I have done so many things and made so many mistakes I don't even know where to begin. Hopefully writing it all down will give me perspective and clear my head.

If you've gotten this far then I say well done and thank-you.

Here's a pic of Jess and I on a recent holiday